Rafael Richman

Joining and creating your new family may feel like a daunting and intimidating task, full of apprehension and trepidation. Below are nine ways to ease the transition:
[Note: this article is primarily written for the person who is joining a new family on his/her own; modifications in the “ways” should be made for families where each partner has his/her own children – see other articles on this subject]

1. Be present in the children”s “orbit”.

Ideally, this involves being present and “hovering” in the children”s “orbit”, while at the same time not violating their personal space.

2. Let the children come to you.

Allow the children to come to you when they are ready and on their own terms.

Gradually allow yourself to become involved in their lives.

Put the children first.

In the conscious parenting and interpersonal design models, being aware of the “dance” of reaction and interaction between you and the children is key.
Know that if you “push”/force or impose yourself on the children, they will most likely resist you and may react by feeling resentful and irritated.

2[a]. Create positive, good-feeling-based associations and situations

A relatively safe way to accomplish this may be to discover and do [fun] activities with the kids. [Going to the movies; zoo; reading stories; dance; art; hiking; walks; beach; sports; swimming]. The goal is to create and sustain interactions with the children that are full of positive feelings and positive-feeling-associations.

Ask the children what they like to do, and what they want to do. Offer to spend time with them. This allows you to build a relationship. [Consider whether you wish to do some of this with each child separately; and whether you wish to spend some time with the children on your own and without their biological parent]

3. Know and remind yourself that you are not the children”s parent.

It is preferable to not define yourself as the children”s parent. Instead, it may be much more emotionally healthy and appropriate for you and the children if you maintain an attitude of being someone very important and significant in their lives, and if you DO NOT act as if you are their biological parent.

The idea here is that your underlying attitude influences and effects your overt actions.

Many new “parents” use their first names when speaking with the children. If the children decide to call you “mom” or “dad”, fine. They may feel confused, though, if you use this word/term/label.

Know your appropriate place, in relation to your family and the children. Know that it is risky to attempt to replace or transplant the children”s biological parent/s.

4. Develop and design a plan with your partner/spouse.

Find the time to sit down with your spouse/partner to discuss how you plan to parent and relate to his/her children. It is best if you can find a consensus on how you will do this.

5. Honor the children”s feelings [see upcoming article on Common Feelings of Children of Divorce]

Do your best to be kind and understanding [empathize]with the children. It helps to realize that they have not chosen you to enter into their lives. You and your partner have, in most situations, made this decision.

A lot of the children”s behaviors and reactions may be association with their feeling a sense of powerlessness and lack of control; they may act-out to reassert and claim their sense of control over their lives.

6. Learn to listen to the children.

Acknowledge and validate what the children are feeling and where they are at.

Refer to my articles on listening – “Nourish your Child with the Gift of Listening” series – for more detailed information on this topic.

7. Gain awareness of and honor your own feelings.

Expect that this process will, at times, be difficult for you.

Know that the children may “push” you, challenge you, and test your limits.

Expect that, during this journey, you will feel and experience a wide range of feelings. such as: feeling apprehensive, feeling a sense of trepidation, and feeling uneasy and nervous. [common feelings: angry; frustrated; reactive; despondent; discouraged; down]

Allow yourself to feel your feelings. If you are able to, be kind to yourself and accept that it is normal and natural to feel these feelings. Give yourself permission to be “human” and real. Give yourself permission to be sincere and to be yourself with the children.

8. Expect to go through a series of “phases” in your journey-relationship with the children. [See upcoming article on Phases in your Journey] [Note: all families go through different phases, for different time periods]

9. Remember that each child is unique.

Allow your relationships to grow and develop organically. Anticipate that you will form different relationships with each child. You will probably feel closer and more connected to certain children, and less naturally connected with others.

Realize that this is the beginning of a process of adjusting and readjusting – for the children, for your spouse, and for you – to your new family situation.

Remember, and continuously remind yourself: Children are a blessing; and children are a gift from God. Get professional help, if necessary.
Books, parent groups, consultations. Expand your knowledge and wisdom.

Get help from, take advantage of, and learn from the many useful resources.

books for parents
books for kids
computer games for kids [e.g., Earthquake in Zipland game]

These games/aids can help children to cope with, process, deal with, express and talk about what they are experiencing and going through, in a safe manner.

Children are more able to express their feelings and talk about what is going on for them through a non-threatening medium – art, dance, books, games, and stories.

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The process of separation and divorce can be very painful for you and for your whole family. Below are some tips and ideas to make talking to your children about your decision to separate or divorce somewhat easier.

1. Choose an appropriate time and place for your conversation.

Choose a time and place that works for your children. The best location for most children and families is at home, where it is comfortable and private. A quiet environment is better – minimize distractions, turn off all phones [including your cell-phones], the television, and the computer.

Put your children first. Make your time during and after the meeting flexible. It is much better for your children if you are available afterwards. This allows your children the opportunity to talk with you and to be with you, if they so desire.

2. Expect that when you disclose that you and your spouse plan to separate or to divorce, that it will be difficult for you.

Expect that, prior to and when you talk to your children, you will feel strong feelings such as: feeling apprehensive, feeling a sense of trepidation, and feeling uneasy and nervous. Allow yourself to feel your feelings. If you are able to, be kind to yourself and accept that it is normal and natural to feel these feelings. Give yourself permission to be “human” and real.

3. It is okay to express and show your feelings.

It is okay to express your true feelings in front of your children, as long as you are able to contain and own your feelings. Use your discretion and common sense.

Know that your children may become frightened when witnessing your feelings, if they are strong and negative [e.g., anger or hostility]. Most children, though, can handle seeing your softer, underlying feelings – tears, sadness, hurt, and pain.

For example, you may wish to start by saying something like, “…this is very hard and scary for me/us to talk about, and it probably is for you too…”

4. Be brief and sincere.

It is preferable to keep your talk [“speech”] brief, direct, and clear. Avoid long explanations. Know that most kids tend to tune-out when adults provide lengthy explanations and “speeches”.

5. Adjust your words to the age-appropriate level of your children.

Do your best to talk about your plan to separate or divorce in terms that your child can grasp and understand. In general, younger children comprehend concrete terms and examples better than the abstract ideas and words.

6. Allow your children the space, time, and opportunity to absorb what you say and to feel their feelings.

7. Remember that each child is unique.

Anticipate that you may receive different reactions from each child. Some children may initially feel shocked and surprised. Others may have sensed that this was coming for some time, and be less reactive.

8. Expect that your children may experience strong and intense reactions.

Some children keep their feelings more inside, and others tend to be more externally and verbally expressive. Most children will, however, react strongly with feelings ranging from outrage and anger, to discomfort and confusion.

9. Acknowledge and validate what your children are feeling and where they are at.

Refer to my articles on listening – “Nourish your Child with the Gift of Listening” series – for more detailed information on this topic.

10. Prepare for lots of questions and concerns from your children.

Answer as best and honestly as you can, and realize that sometimes the best answer you can give your child is an “I don’t know”.

11. Honor and respect your children’s individual needs.

Some children may wish to be with you; some children may wish to spend some time on their own; some children may cope better by being with their friends.

12. Expect and know that no matter what you say and do, that your child may feel and believe that they are responsible and to blame for your separation and divorce.

Realize, and this may be obvious, that this is the beginning of what will likely be an ongoing series of discussions with your children. This is the beginning of a process of adjusting and readjusting to your new family situation.

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Parents often come to my office feeling frustrated, exhausted, and overwhelmed. Many of them explain to me that they feel they are at the end of their rope and at a loss for what to do. Having read numerous books and articles on parenting, experimented with all sorts of techniques, talked to friends, school counselors, and teachers, they long for something that works; something that they hope might possibly help them in dealing with their child.

While some parents wish and request that I “fix” their child, many say they would be grateful to settle for anything that may help their child and alleviate their feeling frustrated.

Through years of consulting with parents, working with kids in therapy, and leading parent-skills training groups, I experimented with different approaches to helping parents. In wanting to simplify a large body of information, I arbitrarily categorized the world of parenting into two philosophies: behavioral and humanistic. I strongly advocate and practice the latter, while I grudgingly (and with disappointment) accept that the former continues to be widely adopted. Before elaborating upon my preference for humanistic parenting, I’d like to briefly describe the behavioral model.

The behavioral approach to parenting is based on the premise that children’s behaviors can be shaped through modifying the consequences in their environment. Common terms in the behaviorist’s vocabulary are: reinforcement, reward, punishment, tokens, shaping, and time-out. In certain circumstances and situations, implementing behavioral strategies can effectively and quickly change a child’s behavior over the short-term. I believe this is one of the reasons behavioral techniques maintain their widespread appeal with parents and professionals. Moreover, research has repeatedly demonstrated that one of the best ways to immediately reduce or eliminate an undesirable behavior (e.g., hitting, temper tantrums) is to punish a child as soon as possible following the emitted action. Behavior management programs seem to work best when the parent or teacher holds a position of power over, and maintains a reasonably high degree of control over the child.

When I trained as an intern, I counseled parents on ways to set up these behavioral systems in their home to enable them to reduce or control their child’s “unwanted” behaviors. Our programs seemed reasonable, simple, and commonsensical. Parents and I, however, soon started noticing some reoccurring common patterns and problems. The first two to three weeks was a “honeymoon” period. At this stage of the program, the charts and rewards were often fun for the parents and kids. The ideas were new and fresh.  With most honeymoons, though, the novelty and behavior changes did not endure. The reduced effectiveness, or total breakdown, became predictable. Parents told me stories of their kids becoming bitter and resentful, and tearing down the star charts off the refrigerator door. The once-effective rewards (e.g., T.V., video games, money, candy), were no longer sufficient. Parents and I also observed another common problem with this approach: when the parent was not present (i.e., the person in charge was not around), the children usually reverted to their previous actions. For instance, Billy would act “good” when mom and dad were watching, but he would return to hitting his sister when mom and dad weren’t around.

I felt uncomfortable advocating and supporting a system that was based on parents having control and power over their children. This contradicted my belief that children are intelligent human beings who deserve to be treated with respect and dignity. Another troublesome outcome associated with the behavioral techniques was that kids seemed to react with negative feelings, such as feeling angry or feeling scared, toward their parents. This prompted my search for another way to enhance the emotional climate in the home.

What, then, is an alternative? What is humanistic parenting?

Humanistic parenting is an attitude, a philosophy, and a way of relating to your child. It is an approach where the inner goodness of the child is valued.

A core principle of humanistic parenting is respecting children and treating them with dignity. A useful exercise to help in following this fundamental principle is to ask yourself the questions, “would I like to be treated that way?”, and “how would I feel if I was in their shoes?”. If the answers are “no” and “I would feel disrespected”, then your actions as a parents most likely do not follow the humanistic parenting philosophy.

When treating their children with respect and connecting with their children’s feelings, parents are empowered. They often experience considerably less feeling guilty and frustrated.

In the humanistic approach, children are allowed to have and to feel their feelings. I am not proposing that kids be allowed to go around hitting whomever they please! I am, however, suggesting that children (just as adults do) are entitled to express their feelings in a constructive nonviolent manner. In allowing their feelings an outlet, children often feel better about themselves, and feel accepted by their parents.

Humanistic parenting practitioners also respect the feelings of parents. Through being aware of, expressing, and communicating their feelings, they can act as sincere and genuine models to their children.

Skills and terms in the humanistic parenting vocabulary include: active listening, acknowledging and validating feelings, openly communicating your own feelings, problem solving, describing, and giving information.

Some professionals and parents believe that the skills and techniques from humanistic philosophy are not sufficient for dealing with “difficult” and “tough” children with serious problems. My experiences, generally, have not supported this assertion. Contrary to these concerns, I have repeatedly witnessed the success of humanistic parenting strategies with a wide range of children.

It is sometimes beneficial to incorporate skills and strategies adopted or borrowed from the behavioral model within the humanistic framework. The key seems to be how these techniques are used and the underlying attitude that parents have when relating to their children. For instance, it may be helpful for a parent to use a version of the time-out strategy when their child is feeling very angry. Within the humanistic framework time-out could provide the child an opportunity to cool down and maybe even to reflect on his feelings. It would be used in a respectful, non-punitive manner, and often with the previously agreed upon consent of the child.

Although it may take longer to see the results of the humanistic approach with “difficult” children, in the end, those children incorporate values and acceptable behaviors that tend to endure. Rather than questioning themselves whether their actions will elicit a sticker or reprimand from their parents (or teachers), children learn healthy ways to act and to express themselves in everyday situations.

When humanistic parenting is consistently adopted by parents, I believe that long-term changes are possible in all families and with all children. The positive feedback from parents bolsters my conviction that this is an effective and respectful way to relate to children.

For more information and for techniques that were developed from follow a humanistic parenting philosophy, I often recommend the following books: How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk, by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish; Parent Effectiveness Training, by Thomas Gordon; and Kids are Worth It!, by Barbara Coloroso. Videos, by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish, and Barbara Coloroso, are also available.

Participating in parenting groups and consulting with a professional who is familiar and experienced with the humanistic approach may also be helpful ways to practice and fine-tune these skills.

This article was previously published in the B.C. Psychologist, July 2001 issue, and as the cover/feature article in Balanced Life magazine, January, 2002.

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Learning to listen to your child is a skill. It takes ongoing practice. Improving skills, in general, and this one, in particular requires time, effort, and being committed; similar to playing a musical instrument, meditating, playing a sport, yoga, praying, or studying gemara. The nine steps that follow are meant to help you to listen better to your child.

 

1. Consciously decide and commit, b’li neder, with full and sincere intention, to listen better to your child. Commit NOW to improve the way you listen to your children.This first step can be made more effective if you do whatever it takes for you to fully and sincerely commit, take it upon yourself to listen better, and follow through with this process. Ways to achieve this, include:
   1. Write a contract to yourself: “I _________ fully commit, b’li neder, to…”. Read it out loud, sign the contract, and put it in a place where it is visible and reminds you of what you intend to do.
   2. Inform another person [spouse, sibling, friend, parent] that you are engaged in this process of becoming a better listener.
   3. Decide to listen better along with someone else [spouse, friend].
2. Learn and practice to “bite your tongue” when your child speaks to you. Be aware of your urge to speak, to say something, to react, to interrupt, and to get your point across. As best as you can, actively restrain and hold back from speaking, or at least delay your reaction. Do your best to put your own “stuff” on hold and give your child the stage. Be there for them. Expect and know that this may be hard to accomplish, and that this may feel strange at first.
3. Listen to the underlying feeling. Reflect and validate your child’s feeling. Recognize and acknowledge your child’s present feeling by naming it; that is, give it a word.
4. Check with your child to see if the word(s) fit with their experience. And notice what happens following step 2 and step 3. Does your child open up and elaborate? Does your child seem to feel better or worse? Does your child look at you strangely? [who is this alien parent of mine and what is she doing?]
5. Be fully present, as best as you can in the moment, with your child. Be present in the here and now and attend to your child.Know that it is much easier to listen to your child when you limit external distractions and noise, such as cellphones, television, computer, radio, music. Seriously consider taking a break from your cellphone; or even better, turn it off as much as possible.
6. Cultivate and practice being still and quiet. Develop inner stillness. Quiet your mind and still your body.
7. Learn to catch yourself when you are not listening. Notice if and when you are not present, when you are thinking ahead of what you plan to say next, and when you are lost and engaged in your own thoughts and feelings.
8. Recognize and cultivate being conscious and aware of your own feelings, thoughts, physical sensations, reactions, and patterns. Notice when it is easier and when it is more difficult for you to listen to your child. For example, as yourself, “Is it easier for me to listen to my child when I feel calm, alert, awake, centered, grounded?”, and “Is is more difficult for me to listen when I feel rushed, agitated, angry, tired, exhausted?”. Practice listening to yourself and to your inner signals.
9. Re-commit to improve the way you listen, and to fulfilling these nine steps.

Sometimes working with a qualified person [psychotherapist, psychologist, counselor, Rav, coach] can greatly assist you in navigating through these nine steps, in getting you on track, and in sustaining your newly re-acquired listening skills.

Stay tuned for part 4 in this series – “Obstacles to Effective Listening”.

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Bored in staff meetings? Feeling stuck in or wanting to improve your relationships? Wish to enhance your teaching? Strive to be a better therapist?

Let interpersonal design enhance the way you relate and interact in any situation or relationship that is relevant for you.

What is it? How can it help me?

Interpersonal design is a construct that can add a new dimension to the way you perceive your world. It is a practically applicable idea that has the potential to enrich your personal and professional relationships, and your home and work environments.

Interpersonal design involves consciously and purposefully “designing” how you interact with and relate to others, and how you create your physical and interpersonal space. Through increasing your awareness of your interpersonal and physical environment you can implement positive change. Interpersonal design is an approach and a way of seeing things that can be useful for parents, marriage partners, employers, employees, health practitioners, counselors, therapists, coaches, teachers, lecturers, and rabbis in a wide range of settings. Through interpersonal design, you are able to be more effective with what you are already doing.

Most of you, most of the time, experience and perceive your immediate surroundings and relate to others as if you are independent, separate, isolated units. This is in contrast to acting as if you are part of a larger whole or system. Interpersonal design entails making a seemingly subtle shift in perspective, similar to replacing your regular glasses or eyes with a different and powerful new pair. These new glasses or eyes, when you choose to wear them, allow you to alter your experience of your world from being ego-centric and me-focused to thinking systems.

“Inter-personal“. “Inter” means between, and “personal” refers to people or persons. Generally speaking, interpersonal refers to the way any two or more persons relate, react, and interact with each other. “Design” has to do with deliberate, purposive, planning and arrangement of elements. It implies being able to alter, change, and choreograph the way you interact, in any number of ways. You can consciously choose to implement and customize specific interpersonal-designs in specific situations [e.g., business meeting, counseling sessions, dealing with customers, time with family, social events, lectures, classes]. It also involves placement of elements within, and selection of interpersonal space.

Interpersonal design is a model that involves conscious and deliberate “designing” of the way you interact [act, react, relate, and respond] with others. Being aware that you are constantly “dancing” with others is, in and of itself, a powerful tool. This then allows you to choose and decide how to design your dances.

In the interpersonal design model you consciously think about a particular situation, preferably before you enter it. You plan the design and structure that you believe is appropriate and that you wish to apply to the circumstances.

Ideally, you prepare ahead, and prevent potential difficulties. You then anticipate, are more ready for what may occur, and can reduce the “unforeseen”. Interpersonal design also provides a framework that allows you to enhance and optimize any particular situation.

How do I find out more? Feel free to contact me [see below] if you have any questions, or if you would like an interpersonal design consultation.

 

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Every moment your child communicates messages, verbal and non-verbal. The way you react and respond to these messages has a powerful impact on how your child feels, in general, and how he feels about and perceives himself, in particular. Listening – “shema” – is one way to nourish your child, and to enable your child to feel better about himself.

Genuinely listening to and validating your child’s feelings are the fundamental skills and building blocks of the “Conscious Parenting” approach. The value and importance of effective listening, in my opinion, should not be underestimated. This skill entails that you- the parent- recognize, accept, acknowledge and validate your child’s feelings and experiences.

Effective listening is discussed and described in numerous parenting books and programs and in most books about communication. In the “How to Talk So Kids will Listen and Listen So Kids will Talk” series of books for parents by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish, the authors describe this skill in a way that is clear and user-friendly.

In advocating this skill of listening to and validating your child’s feelings, I assume that-as discussed in the first part of this series-all of us, and especially our children, have a deep need to feel heard and understood.

I also assume that there’s a connection between how kids feel and how they act. This is to say, there is a connection between a child’s emotional state and his or her behavior. As the well-known child psychologist and parent expert Dr. Haim Ginott stated, “When kids feel right, they’ll behave right.”

Each and every moment, we all experience a continuous flow of different feelings. Feelings are dynamic; they change and shift. My preferred way to help children feel right about themselves is by accepting and validating their present feelings. I notice that, over time, feeling validated is associated with more appropriate behavior.

In the realm of education [Chinuch], psychologists have discovered that there is an optimal arousal level for learning. This is a state of being both alert and relaxed. It is much more likely that your child will be in this optimal state when he is feeling right – that is when he is feeling okay about himself and when he feels heard.

As parents and teachers, you can optimize a child’s ability to understand, process and absorb information by creating a climate conducive to learning. An effective first step to create this climate is to listen to your child. When a child feels heard, listened to, acknowledged and validated, he often feels calmer and better about himself. He is then able to focus on the task or material at hand.

Take for example a child who feels bothered and upset by something his sibling or classmate has done to him. You, the child’s parent/teacher, acknowledge and validate the child’s feeling upset and distress. The child feels heard and is able to “let go” of the negative feelings. In other words, the feelings of being bothered and upset tend to naturally dissipate when the parent or teacher affirms and acknowledges them. It is easier for the child to move on to something else.

How exactly do I listen to my child?

Effective listening is a skill that requires ongoing awareness and practice. In future articles I will discuss specific tips and ways to nourish your child with this valuable tool.

 

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